Bus Driver Stories_Mattie and Gert

Outrageous but not atypical.

It was a somewhat slow news week, so my political muse was nowhere to be found. Let’s face it, Joe Biden falling asleep during meetings or reading the teleprompter instructions as part of his speech, just isn’t newsworthy anymore. How sad is that?

Fortunately for us, my passengers came to the rescue.

Let’s start with the most recent episode of passenger outrageousness.

I picked up two old ladies on an errand to someplace or another, the actual destination is irrelevant. Of the two, one seemed to be the caregiver (supervisor) of the other. We will call the caregiver Matilda and the other Gertrude. I don’t know their real names and (for legal purposes) these names are fictitious.

Mattie and Gert finally get themselves seated after only five or six minutes. When it comes to the elderly or children, I try not to move the bus until they sit. FYI, I was on schedule before I picked them up.

Of course, it didn’t take long before Mattie shouts, “Are we going to make it to the mall on time?” Keep in mind, she was seated in the middle of a loud, crowded bus, and I heard the question clear as a bell. But I chose to ignore it because passengers aren’t supposed to talk to the driver, especially when he’s driving.

For Mattie, rules are no obstacle whatsoever. She simply turned up the volume a few hundred decibels and repeated, “Driver, are we going to make it to the mall on time?”

“No ma’am. We’re now five or six minutes late.”

Gert chimes in, “What did he say?”

“He said we’re five or six minutes late.”

I expected Gert to go ballistic, but she didn’t. She just said, “Oh.”

About a minute later Gert says something to Mattie that was completely garbled. Mattie ignored it the way I initially ignored her. And just like Mattie, Gert was not deterred. With the volume turned up a few notches, Gert says, “My ass is slimy.” The whole bus heard it except for Mattie, who happened to be sitting right next to her.

“What did you say?”

“My ass is slimy.”

“What?”

“My ass is slimy.”

“Your ass is shinny?”

“No! My ass is slimy.”

“Your ass is grimy?”

“MY – ASS – IS – SLIMY!”

“Oh.”

And that’s how they left it for a minute or two. Then, Mattie shouts out, “How did your ass get slimy?”

“I don’t know. It just is.”

That wasn’t good enough for Mattie. “How do you not know how your ass got slimy? I’d know how my ass got slimy — if my ass was slimy.” Mattie shook her head in disbelief. “How do you not know? You gotta know.”

“I already told you, I don’t.”

“You gotta know.”

Gert tried to defend herself, “How the hell am I supposed to know? I can’t see it.”

“You don’t have to see it to know. You can feel it. How did your ass get slimy?”

“I – DON’T – KNOW.”

Mattie wasn’t satisfied and attempted to delve deeper.

“Did you pee yourself?”

“No.”

“Did you shit yourself?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s got to be one or the other. Which one is it? How’d you get a slimy ass?”

Gert defended, “You think you know everything. Well, you don’t. You’re wrong. It doesn’t have to be one of those. Maybe I just got a slimy ass.”

“You can’t just have a slimy ass.”

“Why not?”

Gert was enjoying Mattie’s frustration, and when I looked at her in the passenger mirror, she was looking back with a shit-eating-smirk. And then, I had a BDBE, Oh God.

Mattie couldn’t hold back anymore, she burst out, “You’re lying. Either you pissed yourself or you shit yourself, and you’re too stupid to know which is which.”

Gert shouted, “No. I’m not stupid. You’re stupid. I’m not lying either, and I can prove it. I didn’t shit or piss myself. I did both.”

The two were quiet for the rest of the trip.

Thank the Lord for Depends.

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