Bus Driver Stories

When is a Shart …?

They really should pay me more.

Warning: this post may have depictions some find offensive, or hilarious. I guess it depends on which side of the fence you sit on.

Last week was the beginning of the summer thunderstorm season. It means heavy rain every afternoon; typical summer weather for central Florida.

Most drivers are like me regarding passengers. If you, the passenger, are not at the stop when I get there, you’ve missed the bus. If you, the passenger, are running as fast as you can but still have a hundred yards to go, you’ve missed the bus. You, the passenger, might not think this is fair, but you aren’t the driver, I am, and I have a schedule to keep.

Still, I’m not completely heartless. It was raining hard, I was a little ahead of schedule, and there was a passenger running for the bus. If someone is within say, 100 feet of the bus stop (approximately three bus lengths), I’ll usually wait, even if it isn’t raining, as long as they run. If they see that I’m waiting and they stop running, I leave. Next time they won’t stop running. The guy I was about to pick up, kept running.

Finally, he gets on the bus, and sure as shit, he’s short on the fare, but it’s raining, and I let him ride.

About halfway to his destination, he comes to the front of the bus and asks me if I have a paper towel or some tissues. Normally, I don’t have tissues, but I do have a full roll of paper towels. Passengers find it nearly impossible to hold on to their stuff while riding the bus, especially if it can spill. But I was all out of paper towels, and I didn’t have time to stop and get another roll from the storage box behind my seat.

I did have some extra Biden masks. In the Free State of Florida, passengers have been riding the bus without masks for many months. So I asked him if he could use a mask instead. He took three and thanked me.

I think Biden Sharted.

As I pulled up to his stop, the passenger came to the front of the bus again and asked me a bizarre question. “Sir. Do you know what a ‘Shart’ is?”

I was taken aback just a little but I answered truthfully. “Yes.” For those of you who don’t know, a ‘Shart’ is the combination of a fart and a shit.

“Well, while I was running for the bus, I sharted myself. I’m going to go behind those bushes and clean up. Could I have a few more masks?”

“Sure.” At this point, I’m still keeping a relatively straight face even though inside, I was laughing.

He took six.

The passenger now had a grand total of nine Biden masks and I said, “That must have been one hell of a shart.”

He leaned in and looked me straight in the eye. “I feel it trickling down my ass crack.”

Fortunately, the bus was stopped because this is where I lost it.

As he got off the bus the passenger shouted, “Stop laughing. It’s not funny,”

“Yes it is, (gasping for breath), it’s hilarious.”

“No, it’s not!”

He was only pretending to be upset because I could see him smiling as he ran for the bushes.

It took a minute or two for me to gain my composure. Then, I drove off, leaving my passenger to his own devices.

PS – Now you know how we use Biden masks in the Free State of Florida. Go DeSantis.

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